Should you send your child to daycare? If you asked my guest today, she’d say absolutely NOT.
Erica Komisar is a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, parent coach and author. With 30 years of experience in private practice, she works to alleviate pain from individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety, eating, and other compulsive disorders.
By helping them live better lives and have richer, more satisfying relationships, she assists them in achieving their personal and professional goals and living up to their potential.
Erica is a psychological consultant bringing parenting and work/life workshops to clinics, schools, corporations, and childcare settings. She’s also the author of several books, including Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and has appeared on major media networks such as CBS, ABC, FOX, and NPR. She is a regular contributor to the Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, New York Daily News, and FOX 5 NY.
I first discovered Erica’s work on Instagram – she was interviewed on Alex Clark’s “The Spillover Podcast” and I came across a clip on her feed of Erica talking about the emotional effects of sending infants to daycare, and I just knew I had to have her on the show. In this conversation, we’re talking all about parenting and childhood mental illness, and what we can do as moms and dads to ensure the health and mental wellbeing of our kids.
If you’re a parent or thinking of becoming a parent one day, this episode is mind-blowing, so let’s dive in!
The Importance of Attachment Security
One of the key points Erica made is that attachment security is the foundation for mental health. Children need to feel safe and secure, and this sense of security is built through consistent emotional and physical presence from their caregivers.
When children are separated from their primary attachment figures—often due to daycare or other caregiving arrangements—they may struggle to develop this essential security.
Erica explained that the myth of children being inherently resilient can lead parents to underestimate the importance of their presence. Many believe that children can adapt to any situation, but the reality is that they require nurturing and emotional regulation from their caregivers to learn resilience.
This emotional regulation is a biological function that helps soothe babies in distress, teaching them how to manage their emotions over time.
The Dangers of Daycare
When discussing daycare, Erica highlighted the potential emotional effects on infants and young children. The research indicates that placing children in daycare can lead to attachment disorders, increased stress, and even mental health issues later in life.
The adult-to-child ratios in daycare settings are often poor, which means that children may not receive the individual attention they need. For example, a ratio of 5:1 or even 12:1 can create a stressful environment for young children, who thrive on consistent, nurturing interactions.
Erica pointed out that many parents feel they have no choice but to send their children to daycare due to work obligations.
However, she advocates for alternatives that prioritize the child’s emotional well-being. For instance, she suggests seeking flexible work arrangements that allow parents to be present for their children or finding kinship caregivers—like grandparents or trusted family friends—who can provide a nurturing environment.
The Myth of “Self-Soothe”
Another topic we delved into was the concept of self-soothing. Many parents are told that they need to teach their babies to self-soothe, but Erica argues that this is a misunderstanding.
Babies are NOT capable of self-soothing until after the age of three. Instead, they need their caregivers to respond to their distress.
The idea that babies can be left to cry it out is rooted in a narrative that undermines the importance of a mother’s role in the early years!
Erica explained that this narrative has historical roots, particularly around the time of the women’s movement, when societal pressures began to shift the focus away from motherhood. The myth that children do not need their mothers has led to practices like sleep training, which can be detrimental to a child’s emotional development.
The Role of Parents in Mental Health
As we continued our conversation, Erica emphasized the responsibility parents have for their children’s mental health. She believes that the way we parent directly influences the mental health epidemic we see in children today.
Many parents may not realize how their own behaviors, parenting styles, or mental health issues can impact their children’s emotional stability. Erica pointed out that we often treat younger children as if they are older, expecting them to handle more than they can.
This can lead to increased stress and anxiety, particularly in boys, who are neurologically more fragile than girls. The current educational system, which often emphasizes cognitive learning over play-based experiences, can exacerbate these issues.
Alternatives to Daycare
For parents who feel they must return to work, Erica offers several alternatives to traditional daycare. She advocates for paid maternity leave, flexible work arrangements, and the option to share caregivers with other families.
By creating a cooperative environment where parents can support one another, we can prioritize the emotional needs of our children.
Erica also encourages parents to focus on their physical and emotional presence rather than material possessions. The best gift we can give our children is our time and attention.
This means making sacrifices in other areas of life, such as living in a smaller home or forgoing extravagant vacations, to ensure that we are there for our children during their formative years.
Final Thoughts
I found this conversation with Erica Komisar as a powerful reminder of the importance of being present for our children. Our roles as parents are the most important jobs we’ll ever do and we have a responsibility to prioritize our children’s mental health and well-being!
If you loved this episode, be sure to follow Erica on Instagram and grab her book, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters!
